Feeling Good, faltering, feeling good

 Actually, I was feeling good. Woke up "early" on Sunday morning, 11:15 is early on a Sunday morning, ready to do my One Story editing course homework and enjoy the quiet even before coffee, before Jon gets up. I got on the couch and decided I would do a blog post, this journalism life documentation post first. And I don't know why exactly but I went on Facebook post, to see what I 'd been missing. I saw a post I'd been tagged in from Colleen. It was her painting of our bathroom in our Brinkerhoff St apartment and she tagged me. My first feeling was sad-envy, she'd remembered this bathroom? A bathroom? In a decades old apartment? Then, catch-up regret, that I hadn't seen any of her posts. Then, I thought I was tagged to post art, and I thought oh boy it's already Day 3. Then I realized I hadn't been tagged to join in the challenge at all, just to see the picture. Then I felt that feeling punch me, too. Why wasn't I tagged to add paintings of my work?

Fast forward to 90 minutes later. I did not do anything productive at all but went down the rabbit hole of FOMO. I went to Emily's page, why haven't we connected to be friends? Garrett's page, same question. I thought about Deaf Broadway, Deaf related things, people, same running fear racing through my veins, same same same. I looked at what people are doing, trying to decide if I wanted to be included, or judge it, or look at what I have not done, or applaud it, or ignore it and run. I re-read the article I've felt resistant to, an old trigger response that I know must be updated, to be in the moment of information and not just reacting based on old ideas. This NYT article where the old response is to be sick of Deaf in the news. I went to Walei's page and again wondered why my attempts to connect and be friends did not connect. I invited him the last 2 months to the storytelling show and he did not even reply. I guess he has enough friends, maybe worse, I am afraid I didn't make it blind friendly enough. I also have not taken the time to do alt text on posts like I should. I ended up on Jana Owen's page and she had a video of a Brazilian woman, Anne Magal ães signing Feeling Good by Nina Simone. I just listened to it 5 times in a row. I need to break the spell and move on with my day. I hate that I had these feelings due to these experiences. I understand that it is all perception - the choice was mine - the choice to see what others are doing from a lens of feeling left out. I have learned to recognize this pattern and while quarantine has helped me to focus on myself and reduce these triggers and reactions I see that it took zero seconds to return. I didn't need to stay and torture myself on facebook. No one demanded that I do that. I stayed because I was trying to exercise that muscle of 'happy for you' and 'seeing what others are up to' and it was not worthless but still, work to do! Now back to the post I wanted to do but still not ready. Think I will do bullet points.

 Took the ferry on Friday, record temps, 78 degrees, to Red Hook. Was also gale warnings, the wind was fierce! I was pissed that I chose the wrong time and place to enjoy a few outdoor hours but friends in JC and Brooklyn and Bronx, all over reported the same wind. I got sun, a plant, key lime pie, drank a draft beer and ate a pizza indoors at a restaurant near the little pier park.

 Yesterday Seth and Candi came for game day. Drank espressos, gave her unwanted lotions, we played that table shuffleboard game and Canvas (I won!). She told me about this noddle house with unlimited noodles and rice and sounds like shabu shabu, cook in your bowl, the pics looked amazing.

 Andria and Charles do Richard the III is going well, finally I know how to connect to YT perfectly, no more tech issues, logged in early, no stress. We have landed on doing the entire script through, about 19 minutes with very little deviation or improv during. No more stops and many different voices or breaking out of character more talking at the end post script. It is less funny but has more continuity and this is just the evolution of it - I like seeing the progress of how it has gone. We have done I guess at least 10 of these. We have now switched roles, and I think a few more weeks and then a new script. Noticed none of my friends are interested in watching this show. That is a bummer. I think I will send it out again in an email with a little more info.

 On the ferry, I had the thought: I am happy. Different that feeling happy, had the awareness, I am happy. And I thought about how I knew this, in a mathematical way like a formula, testing the inverse. Am I unhappy? No. I pictured being unhappy, and I imagined millions of people working 45 or more hours a week. That alone would make life miserable - misery would follow, there could be no other way. I have a good life, and I am happy. Testing opposites are a good way to note that.

 I don't honestly need more friends or more stuff to do - it is hard enough to keep up with and remember what I have. I need to remember that. I saw Vincent yesterday and I thought of how many times over the years I have had internal dialogues about wanting to be friends and then not, and fomo about the level of friendship. He, like Andrea, like Jaime - celebrate me for who I am, has a great memory about conversations or where we have met or the last time I saw him. I couldn't even remember that - I thought it had been the summer, in the park, but he quickly reminded me he'd been here on an unusually hot day so it must have been fall, I already forgot! and it was the first time he'd seen my apartment! Jon made him an espresso. About my new job, he said it is good I am not in charge of scheduling because I am terrible at that. It was meant lovingly like an I know you, but it bothered me. Mainly because I try so hard with him, Andrea and Jaime to be on time for our visits because I know how they are - so good like that - and I never double book anything with them - and I look up where we are going to give good information - and I triple checked the address and tickets - I never am the one in a friendship to call someone else out on their flaws. I'd enjoy doing that - it is the mark of good friendship - and yet I would never dream of it. Ron is king at dissing even Aunt June to her face - I just am too afraid of it but also Vincent is perfect in every way! Anyhow it was great to see him in person and go to a dance performance, Al Blackstone, at Arts Alive at St Marks place - we had both never been and he didn't know that choreographer. It was the first indoor dance we had both seen. My first live dance period since covid. 

 Signed up for One Story fiction editing class. Have done almost nothing. Got up early to do just that. Have not. About to get coffee and then do it.

 3 new plants: 2 for bedroom, they were tiny! ordered from Etsy, one of the same ones we used last spring, put two plants in one pot - trying that out. Got one in red hook, purple! put it with the others in the good plant window - had spot for one more there.

 To do: call Sam. Would the family want to play a Jackbox game together? For an activity to include me? (Just discovered that, on Garrett's FB page, so maybe I learned something today). And I will post a painting on FB and do arts challenge.

 Jon has been going almost every weekend skiing and or just to see UFC with Nic and Wes, sometimes Jarrod. happy for Jon to go out and see friends. Last night he did a little of passover temple, wearing a huge pink yarmukle. Cute.

 Dad itching to come into NYC to visit and eat at Madame Vo's.

 Had our monthly storytelling on Thursday with just a handful of friends. was great to see Gabi and Jim too who told a story about Ames dept store when he was 16 and I told mine about work and donutes. Candace told hers about interpreting for Obama. Man, she did hers and got to shake his hand and was even on tv news, the camera panned over her. I did Obama and did not get to shake his hand, did not post it, did not get a photo with, and posted it once 4 years later to have Reagan blast me for it.

We have vax appointments on Monday together at Walgreen's around the corner at 200 Water St. Getting Pfizer. Would have preferred J and J, one and done, no offer to get that at a pharmacy. Easier and faster to get an appointment there so, at least that is done and I can join the newest social medical covid trend that you get judged for if you have not gotten it yet, same as testing 9 months ago.

Time to make coffee, do 45 min of one story, get dressed and work from 2:45-5pm.

I am happy but I wish I had more emotional connections to people on a useful level - enough to keep memories - not enough to have fomo - enough to be fun and likeable and invited back - not too much to be weird and needy and guilt inducing.